mummy's birthday celebrations was alright.
went to taka's pariss to have dinner buffet.

i rmbered we always wanted to eat them, have been saying so since we got tgther last year, but until now, we have yet to go there together cos it was so damn expensive. haha.

so the whole family of four went, and it cost $197. nothing really fantastic though. the desserts sucked. it's the worst cakes i ever eaten lah, tasted so horrible. but the oysters were huge. mummy and daddy ate alot of those! haha.

i didnt really eat much despite not eating any proper meal on saturday. dont know why, i just felt full. went to kino after that, dad and sister each bought a book. i saw some books too, and flipped through them. it was relationships books, wanted to get them but didnt have tt much money.

but i thought the books were good. probably will be able to help me tide over this well cos what was written inside was really worth thinking. i wished i had seen these books earlier though, so perhaps all these mistakes would not have taken place over and over again.

was awoken by steven's call at around 12pm. he called to tell me my schedule for work. i'm only working wednesday this week though i gave a five day schedule. damn fucked up. cos the one who plans schedule doesnt like me. why? cos he stares at me all the time to see if i'm slacking. like hello la, i'm new and you dont teach me how to take order, just ask me top up ice water and clear plates. so i can only wait for them to finsh before i can clear right? so when i dont have plates to clear it means no customers? and why? cos they dont want to walk in lah. why? cos the food is too expensive lah. or your runner didnt do their job to pull them in la. blame me for what. i'm stationed at the rooftop you know? damn shitty lah. he treats me like shite lah. the rest are okay though, tt's why i havent quit. argh.

have been feeling shitty since i watched full house. it just makes my heart ache when i see the love the two share. so strong and cute. and it makes me reflect on my own life. everything's okay, except for tt special missing, otherwise it'd be perfect.

the moment i came online, browsed to see who was online. i saw him. and his nick had "so missing you." i smiled to myself, though i know it wasnt meant for me. the meaning in his nicks now, arent meant for me any longer. maybe those harsh ones like "i detest you. i detest the weak you very much." but these sweets ones, i can stop dreaming. i dont want to think so much, but i just cant stop thinking.

perhaps he has alrdy found someone he likes. who makes his heart pump faster when he sees her. perhaps he was just reminded of our past. perhaps it was for me. so many perhaps in my mind. where do i find the answers?

zhen told me this,
when in a r/s, they care for us,
either cos they really do or cos they are doing it for the sake of responsibility.

to know the answer, we'd find out when the r/s ends.
as a friend, does he care for you still?
if he doesnt, he was caring for the sake of caring.

i kept telling myself, it isnt true.
but facts just slap onto my face.
when things were shitty, he wasnt there.
when i failed my module, he did no sort of comfort.
to me, he isnt there even as a friend.
perhaps cos he doesnt want to give false hopes.
perhaps cos he doesnt know how to face me.

but i cant stop thinking about what was said.
so why say so much in the past?

let me be there even as a friend.
should one day we end, always rmber, the urge to love and care will not end.

yayadada. i'm starting them all over again.
it has been more than a month.
yet i'm still where i was.

i cried alot on saturday.
i couldnt sleep though i havent slept on friday.
i wanted to cry, i wanted to look at the stars, i wanted to be by the sea under the skies. smsed thomas to ask if he could come down, but his gf was going over. i felt what the girl in full house felt. i aint number one to him anymore.

in the past, no matter how late, as long as i needed someone, he'd come down to lend me his shoulders and ears. but tt night, he didnt and couldnt. he called me though, and when i heard his voice, i just cried.

he said this, and i will rmber this, "if someone can bear the pain of losing his child, what is this heartache compared to that?"

at tt point, i felt it was meaningful. losing a child, your blood and flesh, and me, just getting over a r/s. but both are as painful isnt it? though he wasnt my blood and flesh, but he was part of me and my life. isnt tt so?

thanks to 3 people. =)
brother, zhen and thomas.

brother, sorry i didnt turn up for the bbq. sorry i wasted your time talking about the same old thing each time. sorry i refused to sleep. and sorry for calling you at 3am. i cried infront of you tt night, first time i managed to bring the tears out. i know you care alot, but dont tell me your heart pains when you see me like this, otherwise, i wont call you the next time alrdy. i dont want to make people's heart ache just cos my heart is aching, especially when you're my brother. just be there, listen and nod your head. let me grumble like i always do cos i can only do so infront of you.

you havent been sleeping alot becos of me. becos you have been worrying and talking to me every night. i enjoy the talks, thank you for being you. you havent broken your promises. until i find that him, you will always be here eh? and when i find him, you'll slowly make your way out. i saw the lyrics you wrote, and i smiled. knowing i have a great brother. =)

zhen, the talk that day was good. we just click very well dont we? we talked for almost 2 hours that night till 3am. haha. thanks for asking me what happened, listening to what i have to say about us each time, and i do enjoy listening to your stories too. though we want to be strong, though we know we ought to, we just cant. arent we silly? shant say much here, will say it to you in your face later on when we meet. thank you for listening and chatting till 3am!

thomas, you wont read this. but thank you for calling when you couldnt be here. i know you hate me not getting over it, i know i'm not strong. i know the pain and torture you've been through cos of me, is perhaps worst than This, yet you dont hate me and still being here as a friend for me. when you said you want to see me happy, i felt what i felt when i left you. you wont understand this, but someone told me the exact same thing. i know my friends and family will be there, but there are some things, tt i cant express to anyone other than you. you're truely someone where i can really be me. the real me. i miss your hugs. your hugs that make me feel protected. i miss going to seletar with you and me chatting non-stop about the unhappy me. i said i'd throw the tissue didnt i? but i cant. i'm sorry tt i disappointed you.

**
perhaps you have stopped reading. i dont know.
i dont want to care what you will think of after reading this anymore. i dont want to spare a thought for you anymore, cos the pain is unbearable now.

why do you have to hurt me so deep? why dont you want to protect me anymore? why do you have to break your promises, the promises that you said you've thought carefully. why cant you come back? why cant you try one more time? who are you missing so?

i'd rather be hurt, than to be seperated.
suddenly, when you msned me, i lost all thoughts.
and i didnt feel like blogging anything anymore.

brianna
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