"... to shower you the love and care which i think none any other than me could give."

a quote which was once said to me, is now being said to someone else by the same person. other smiliar quotes were said too. and it made me ponder; promises that people make to one another, which actually stays? and i mean, really stay for life.

they meant it when they made that promise, but years down the road, things and feelings changes, so why make that promise in the first place? blame it on the pain and hurt that i have been through, i can no longer bring myself to trust promises.

but i'm still the old me. the one who allows herself to fall deep in knowing she shouldnt. time and time again, i told myself to hold back my feelings, to be strong and determined. but each time i fail.

disappointments are plunged into my face once again.
have never felt this way for months, and now, i see it coming back again. but i tell myself to be strong. i made the decision, part of me tells me i'm regretting, but i will be strong and not let the tears flow.

everything has been in a mess.

it's tough making decisons isnt it?
i know i ought to tell you my feelings, the decision i want to make.
i know i should. but i cant bring myself to break the news to you when you're at work, esp when you're alrdy so stressed up at work. i dont wish to further burden you, but can you sense my unhappiness and the fears i have? you cant, because in the first place, you and i know, we come from different worlds.

i wonder if i do mean a thing to you at all.
i wonder if what you said are for me to believe.
we are drifting, and i wished we didnt make this decision, and perhaps, we will be what we were before. but that surprise appearance at heerens really put smiles to my face. i dont know if it was cos of his presence that made you come, or cos you really wanted to. nevertheless, thank you for coming in the mist of your prayers.

it hurts me deep in my heart. it really does.


**
There has been someone who has been listening to my problems, listening to whatever i have got to say, who notices my mood and actions, does stupid actions to make me laugh, who loves pinching my nose and imitating me.

eric, i dont know what to say to you. you dont know the existence of this blog, so you probably will never read this. despite the rejection that you had to face, despite all that has happened, i saw your smiles. i know you're smiling infront of me, and behind the smiles, you frown. you drink every night to prevent the pain, to hide the pain you have within. i've heard the song, the lyrics that you asked me to pay careful attention to. i do know how you feel on that night i broke that news to you. all these, are perhaps caused by me. i'm sorry.

You have done far too much for me. the care and concern that you give, is far more than what i am getting from him. at times, i just question myself, why him and not you? Thanks for coming out when i needed someone in the mist of your sleep. thanks for the silly chicken little actions that made me stop and laugh along the roads. Only you can make me laugh like this at this point in time. And for always asking me to have my meals, cooking for me to eat when you know you are breaking the rules. And calling 933 to dedicate a song to me. i do appreciate all that you've done, and am really touched by your actions. other than thank you, and being there to witness your smiles, i dont know what i can do.

Should one day i leave al dente, believe me, i will miss you. And mark me on my words when i say i love the way we are now. I really do enjoy your company. And for me, for the promise i forced you to make, smile every single day, because your smiles make people around you feel the warmth and because, it makes me want to smile no matter how bad my day is.

brianna
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