different parents do have different thinkings dont they? i just read a blog, where the girl applied for a local university and her parents got so mad at her, and in a way, didnt really approve of her continuing her studies after graduation. they sort of expected her be working in the society cos studies aint tt great.

and i thought about mine.
my mum expects me to continue studying no matter what after poly life. even if i dont want to, i dont have much of a choice cos of my mum. if i were to apply for a local university without telling her, and when she finds out, i guess she'd just be smiling and be so glad tt i myself actually want to further my studies.

and it made me realise, very often we grumble about our own parents, that they think differently from our friends' parents and what not. we compare and we detest their thoughts and ways of handling issues. we wished we had nicer parents, just like the parents our friends have.

but think. is it due to the fact that we are not satisfied with what we have? we'd rather we possess something that we dont have. can this be applicable to real life scenarios too? take for example, i have a nokia 3230 but when n70 comes into the market, i wished i had it too. i buy it and when n80 comes in, i wished i had it too. and then i buy it. if that's the case, wont the cylce never end?

is this called human greed?
i guess, we will just never be contented.
we'll never be contented with what we have.

on a side note, herbert and johnny have left al dente for almost a week now. they flew back to their hometown on friday. was browsing herbert's profile on friendster and i saw the pictures he put up. i guess, part of him misses us too. sincerely do hope they will be fine back at home, and graduate soon!

without their presence at al dente, it's quite different infact. there seem are fewer laughters, there's no squabbling between roy and johnny, laughing at herbert's cant-be-understood english, johnny's chinese and the many other things that make them part of our lives at al dente.

having seen them so often over the 4 months there, i seriously find myself missing them. and i get angry at myself. they came for the company dinner that night and that was probably the last time i was going to see them. yet i allowed my emotions to take over me, allowed myself to sink into unhappiness and i actually left the restaurant even before the function finished, without bidding them goodbye.

i ask myself, why did i get out just cos he went out? why did i stand there and see him walk further and further knowing he wont turn back instead of spending the last few moments with them? i hate myself.

i promised them i'd take pictures with them.
but i forgot the hell of it the moment he was just nearby.

somehow, i guess my soul just wasnt at the dinner anymore at that point of time. sighs. since that night, we havent smsed each other. for whatever reasons, for whatever logic, let's just say it will make us happier people. at least i hope he's getting on fine and well, still the same old him.

my heart is in pain again, and eyes are turning watery soon.
was uploading pictures from my hp to my lappy and i just wanted to delete the pictures i took with chris back then. there were 3 folders of our pictures. eric was telling me to just delete it and move on, but up till now, i cant delete. i still cant bear to delete the smses we shared, the pictures we took. no i cant.

occassionally, when on travelling, i'd still browse thru all the photos i had with all my specials.
even when my phone isnt in a very good condition and needs to be repaired, i refuse to bring it to nokia care, cos i know, once it's being repaired, every single message i shared with chris, with js, with vincent, with eric and ryan, will all be gone.

though vincent's sms were deleted by someone, i'm still keeping the recent ones. dont ask me who deleted it, i dont know. i realised it afew mths ago that the 200 plus smses we had were missing while moving the new ones from my inbox to the folder. i really feel like bashing that idiot up.

am i just being plain silly, being so emotional?
i dont know. but i just cant let go of my memories.
i want to move on.
i want to be the happy girl i used to be.
it seems as if i'm one hell of happy fellow now, as if my past dont bothers me at all. but sometimes, memories and emotions just get over me, and i'm still unable to control all these.

can i just delete whatever that happened from my memory and start afresh again?

even before the wound is healed, new wounds appears.
and i was just telling eric liu, this time, i want to make sure all the wounds have healed before taking any chances now. i really want to be certain that things will work out before making any decision.

i feel bad.
eric brought me big breakfast to my doorstep this morning at 8am. he was supposed to go to school, but when he called and asked if i was hungry, i foolishly said yes, knowing he'll prolly buy me breakfast. and he really went to buy me breakfast and sent it all the way to my place.

he has been waiting for me to go to bed before sleeping though he has lessons at 8am, and i'm always sleeping at 4am, he has been working more frequently, he has been joining us for supper sessions though he doesnt eat, he has been giving me morning calls everyday. ever since he told me his feelings, he has changed alot, and it's cos of me. he doesnt have to say anything, but i know it.

i know the reason for him working, for joining us at suppers.
i cant say i dont feel anything, but i'm just really not certain about my feelings anymore. at one point, i feel as if i know what to do, what i ought to do, then seconds later, i feel i just shouldnt follow my previous thoughts.

i feel as if i'm ready for a new beginning, and then i feel i havent let go of my past.
i'm no longer confident about anything anymore.

can someone please tell me what to do to get rid of all these negative feelings?

i made a promise to myself on the 10th.
and this time, it's only right that i stick to it.

i was just laughing so madly with ah boy and roy at the bus stop.
i was laughing continously for 20 mins while waiting for roy's bus to come and now, here i am feeling like this within hours.

can i smile like i used to?
not just with them around, even when i'm alone in the room?
can someone sweep me off like how he did?
can someone give me the confidence i had about love?
can someone really understand what i want?

brianna
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