Excuse me while i rant to myself for a moment.

Why is it, now that when i've started to adapt to this environment, when i've started to like this job at least a little more than i used to, or when at least i'm no longer dragging myself to work, that such things have to happen?

I dont blame you or anyone, but why now?
Why now when i want to give my best and continue to work? Why now when everything is just falling in place? When i'm starting to get comfortable? Why NOW?

I'm feeling so frustrated, so scared, so fucking scared.
I'm so scared i cried in my shower, that the tears cant stop.
Call me crybaby or whatever, but i'm very affected by it.

I thought is wasnt a big deal, but now, i see how serious it is.
I hear from them, and everyone gives me the same answer, how can that be false? Much as i'd like to console myself, tell myself things arent that bad, how can i want facts are slammed right into my face?

I wished someone was here to give me a hug, to let me know things will be alright. I wished it was you, i wished you could have just dropped me an sms to ask when your work ended, to ask, "how was work baby?" A simple sms like this, can just make my day a better one. The reason is simple, because it's from you.

After a bad day at work, taking a train home alone isnt easy. I was trying so hard to control my tears. Listening to all the songs, it brought back lots of memories, and it left me thinking alot.

Why are things in such way? Was it pre-arranged? Was it meant to be? Or is it just us not making the best of our lives, taking things for granted? Lots of thinking i made today, and the memories all seemed so real. And for that moment, i just wished i could turn back time, so i wouldnt do the things i did, and maybe, i wouldnt be in the state i'm in now.

To the you who made me feel a little better today, thanks.
You probably didnt know how i was feeling the whole time at work, but still, thanks. Your occassion visits to my desk, or the smses made me felt better. And the sweets really made me smile. Though the sweets werent those i'd eat, i know that the thought was there. Seeing the sweets , not one, but three different kinds, it was indeed a surprise. Much appreciated, but same words, you're a friend i heart, and i dont want you to be the one getting hurt.

And to baby, i really wished you were here to ease all the fucking emotions i have. But i know, you've got to send your parents and sister off tomorrow, and the possibilty of having you here is very low. At such a time, i really miss you very much.

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I'm feeling better after a big cry alone, after ranting the above, and in the mist of those, smsing baby. Right now, i can only see what awaits me. And i really wish time can stop now, so i dont have to face those shits.

Wanted to upload pictures taken over the week, so many of them, but am in no mood to do so anymore. The train ride home was a long and shitty one.

I thought so much. Things i have never thought about, i thought hard and long. And i asked myself what i really wanted in life, what job, what about my studies? Is this even the life i want? But i guess, right now, there is nothing much i can do, even if i want to do something.

But i know, even if the road is bumpy, or even if things arent perfect, there's someone i want in my life, for sure. I dont even have to spell it out, and some will know who it is. Though he isnt perfect, i'm still thankful that right now, i'm still in a position to call him baby.

There's someone chasing me right now. He's someone i'd never have expected to express such feelings to me, cos all along, we've been on such good terms, that i thought he merely treated me as a close friend.

I know, he's trying very hard to win me. After expressing his feelings, he has been doing little things for me, just as what i was told to expect. He sends me occasional smses, he pops by when he's printing stuffs. He came over to give me some sweets. He asked me to have my lunch. And the list goes on.

Much as he knows i'm attached, he aint giving up. He said lots of stuffs to me, he made me realise what he said, was perhaps true to a certain extend, but why is it i'm not doing anything?

Because no matter how nice one treats another, when that one's heart has been given to another, it cannot be taken back. And no matter how nice one treats another, the situation will just, remain the same.

Mahjong-ed with baby and his parents yesterday. It was a fun game playing with the elders, it would improve my skills. Went for supper with him and sister at 12am, and he sister was damn cute. She's only twelve, so when i told her to come along for supper instead of us packing for her, she asked her mum if she would be the "lightbulb." Haha, when she said that, i just laughed.

Met up with the girls over dinner as well. Everyone was in black except me. I was in white. Hurhur. So we took pictures and i looked out of place, cos i was the only one in white.

Watched 007 last week too. It wasnt too bad, but baby and i smuggled BK in, and we made quite abit of noise in the cinema. No, it wasnt me, it was him. He kept being irritating and making noise on purpose. Haha. And when the movie ended, he just quickly shove the remaining wrappers into one corner and said let's quickly leave so they wouldnt catch us. It was quite hilarious, the way he said it. Hurhur.

And one more thing. Cher passed her TP with one attempt. All her lessons were cleared with one attempt too. Power lah! And i can predict she will have more tau huay for suppers and more mahjong sessions now that she can drive! Am happy for her!

Enough of ranting, i shall upload the pictures when i'm in the mood to do so.
For now, i hope i will have a peaceful week ahead.
It's more than anything i can ask for.

brianna
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