When i saw those tags, i was at a loss for words.
I just felt, happiness.
Those may just be words, but it's the encouragement from my friends, and i really appreciate it. And i believe, my tagboard has not been this active for quite some time :)

People think i'm strong, people think i've the courage, but am i really the way people think? I've been supressing my feelings so hard these days, that sometimes i confuse myself, cos i myself, do not know if i have let go, if i have really let him go. At times i feel as if i have, at times i feel as if i havent.

People do not know of the pain and hurt. What they see is the happy me. Why? Because when out with them, i just laugh. But it doesnt mean that behind these laughters, i'm perfectly fine. Even when i'm laughing, i'm still thinking about what had happened. Perhaps a few know what i am feeling, what exactly i am feeling, but no one really knows what it feels like to be me, to be feeling like this. I'm not that strong at all. I've became stronger than the past, but still, it's not enough. Tears have dried, the problem has been resolved, but then what about the feelings we had?

I've let him go, i've mentioned breakup, i've tried being happy, is this what we call strong?
There were still occasional nights where i tear whenever i think about the past. Heart aches when i think of stuffs, though not as frequent, but it still hurts.
Dont think. That's what anyone would say.
But is it that easy not to think about it at all?

After 10 months of building up this relationship from scratch, from nothing at all, we came this far. Routines, memories, actions, words, promises, can we just forget them in such a short span? We cant. I dont want to think about it too, i know i shouldnt for my own good, but then, it just comes to me? Is there anything i can do about it?

Like on saturday, i went for a movie with wilson, after which vincent called and i met him with his friends for dinner. Sitting at Bk cineleisure, looking at the people and couples walking in and out, i couldnt help but think about it again. I wished i was walking with him, and not anyone else. And at that point, i really wished i could turn back time.

I rmbered there was once i was working till 9 at starhub, and he had work at levis till 1030. But he just smsed me, telling me he wants to watch 007. And i just went to book the tickets. Before the show, we went to BK and smuggled food in, which were hidden in his crumpler and my bag. I still rmber how big his bag was cos there was still his laptop! Haha. And when we got home, his mum asked what was the thing on his shirt, and we realised it was chili sauce. Hurhur, apparently i guess i must have split it on him inside the cinema.

I saw the carts at the entrance, and i rmbered him companying me to get stuffs, always from the same cart, and he got afew tees from there as well. The last few times, one of which was on a day where i was in a bad mood. Everything just pissed me off, and we were supposed to meet his cousins. I refused to go and went to meet the girls instead, which upsetted him, but he didnt blame me.

After that, he still came back to look for me, where i got him a band, and asked his opinion on the necklace i wanted to get. These happened on 15th december, the night before we left for bintan. And from this, i thought about the night spent at his place before the trip, where we didnt sleep a wink cos we were too excited, and we just played PS thru the night, playing the new bishibashi we discovered.

Went to heereens and i saw levis. I saw the fountain where i always waited for him to end work. I saw the traffic junction where we always crossed to get to the bus stop. These memories are following me wherever i go.

Like i told wilson, it's the first time being in town after the breakup, and walking up and down the road, i wished it was him by my side, and not anyone else.

Many asked if i'd return if he do return.
And my answer is just no, because i know he wont return.
He's happy with his life, and he isnt the sort who'd go back for something which he has already given up, that's why my answer is no. And each time i say this, my heart aches. I wished this wasnt the truth, i wished he'd be back for me or for us someday, wished that the feelings he had still exists. And at the same time, i tell myself no, this isnt what i want. I have been through all the shits, i've been through the breakup period and it's over, so why do i want to go through all these pain again? Contradictions eh?

I cant help but ask myself if he's really happy, what is he thinking, how does he feel? He never told me if he was happy, if he was really happy, but I guess he's happy from the way he's behaving, but then, he's also the sort who doesnt like to let people worry and thus he doesnt express his feelings. I just hope, he's really happy with his life right now.

I'm not sure about what is happening, if this is really what i want, or i should fight for the happiness and things i want. I no longer know what is right, or wrong, what should be done and what should not be done. I'm not sure if i want him back, if i pray for his return, but one thing i am very sure right now, is that, i still heart him very much.

Every morning when i get up, whether i slept well or not, it's him who comes to my mind first. It's just like in the past, when i wake up, i look at my phone for messages from him, telling me he's at school or he has woken up, but then, these days, there isnt such message from him. A part of me, still hopes to see such messages from him though. Even as friends, i wished we could be more carefree with each other, but it isnt tt easy eh? Everywhere i go, whether it's travelling or eating or watching tv progs, i'd have him on my mind, hoping that his day was alright and wondering what he is doing.

Watching the taiwan programmes on tv while playing mahjong, i really cant help but think about him. I only watched these programmes at his place, when he was playing his game, and i'd be lazing on his bed. Especially tian cai go go go. I always watched it with him, either at the kopitiam while having fishhead curry, or his place. And now, suddenly i've to watch it without him. It's just an empty feeling.

Some things, i know i just got to get used to it.
But for now, i still cant.
I just wonder, am i alone?
Or does he feels the same too?
Do i even cross his mind everyday?

There are a thousand and one questions.
Like does he miss me making fun of him? Someone companying him through the night? Someone throwing temper at him? Someone sleeping on his bed when he returns from school? Someone having dinner with him? Someone asking him to play mahjong? Someone asking to go here and there? Just so many questions, which i will never have the answer.

If i were to really step into another r/s, i know it's gonna take some time, because this time, it isnt like any other r/s i had. It isnt easy to let someone else heal the wound, and i dont want anyone helping me to heal this wound, except myself, or him.

Places we used to frequent, are the places where feelings and memories creep into me all the time. I read through the past entries, i browsed through the photos we took in the past, and this time, i didnt smile, neither did i frown. I just had this thought in me, that these were in the past, and it probably will just be history. But why do i still yearn for so much of it?

I talked to elene today, and i just felt, i should blame myself.
Why did i think that way when even elene didnt think so?
I often said his words and thoughts, are different from mine, and i often said his didnt make sense. But perhaps, all along, it was mine who made no sense. I felt like, despite the time spent, i dont understand him at all. And i really, at times blame myself for making things become like this. It was done with my own hands, wasnt it?

I fill up my day with activities to keep myself busy, so that i wont think so much. But then, when night falls and i'm all alone infront of the screens, memories and feelings conquer me yet again. It's at times like this, that are the hardest to pass, the emptiness within, and at times like this, that i wished i wasnt feeling the way i am feeling right now or i wasnt alone, just like what is happening right now.

Right now at 5am, i just had so much feelings and emotions running through me, things that i wanna do, but then, i just dont have the guts. I think i know what to do. Have a good day out with sgf and the girls :)


It has been a week.
How have you been?

brianna
230686