Sometimes i wonder, why do i find myself holding myself back when i'm feeling not very good, when i'm fucking pissed and sick of all that is happening, when i feel so much, so much negative feelings in me. In the past, i'd have just said what was on my mind, shoot them back, dont give a damn on how they'd feel. But now, i dont do that anymore.

And i ask myself. Is it cos i have learnt tolerance, or is it cos i really dont want to bother about this kind of shits anymore? I find myself changing into someone else, to a person whom i dont even understand at times. And till now, i dont know if it's a good thing, or a bad one.

At this point of time, i really dont want to tell him what i feel.
For what? Assumptions, my point of views.
He might not be thinking the same way as i do.
Haha. I might just screw things up, to be worst if i were to say anything.
So this time, i have learnt to keep my mouth shut till i really cant take it anymore.

Anyway, had reunion dinner just now at my place.
And we chatted about some family issues. And it kind of shocked me.

Some people are just so hopeless and self centered. They dont give a damn about people around them, dont spare a thought for people, and it really pissed me off.

My aunt said this.
"Everyone is realistic when it comes to money issues."
I stopped and pondered, and the incident that happened afew days back came looking for me again. Why cant people just be nicer to the ones around them? Afterall, we are under this same group called humans?

Everytime i think of these people who makes me feel disappointed and what not, i think about the family and friends i have. I'm thankful i have them, but i dont understand why do i always meet screwed up people. It's not once, twice or thrice, but all the time! And these people who disappointed me, mattered to me. I treasured the bond we shared, i never wanted things to be like this. But it always happen. Every single time.

And i start to wonder is it me? My previous life?
Did i do smth wrong in my previous life to deserve all these?
I think my life is really cursed at times.

I always ask myself, why do these people even exist on earth? Why do these people exist on the same planet? Maybe i am not matured to tolerate them, to accept or ignore them. But i really hope people can just spare a thought for others, in whatever decisions they make, whatever actions they take, whether these people are close to them or not.

I dont know why i am even typing this entry.
I just know i am alone in this house, and i'm feeling damn moody.
And i totally detest the feelings i am feeling now.

I have had so many people asking me out.
Even the least expected. Nicholas whom i just met yesterday at the arcade asked me to watcha movie with him, he's like so enthu to go out lah. And weiliang and zk for mahjong.

But i rejected all of them. I just want to stay in my room, doing nothing.
Yet, i know if you were the one who called me out, i'd gladly do so.
Because you are you who matters.



When can these feelings get lost. I dont want to think so much.
All i ask for, is to be happy.

brianna
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