There are a thousand and one thoughts running through my mind these days and these thoughts pop up of nowhere at the weirdest time. It just irritates the hell out of me, making me feel so damn pek cek.

At times i feel so lost and depressed, i dont even know who i can turn to.
Or rather, i dont even want to turn to anyone; anymore.

I dont even feel like talking to anyone, to burden anyone with whatever that is on my mind, not even hotcakes. I know friends would say it's no burden or they would want to be there for me as always, but for the first time ever, i really didnt feel like talking to anyone.

I was in such a foul mood those few days, keeping to myself and just wanting to shut myself from everyone so i wouldnt lose my temper on them, cos i know i was going to explode anytime. It was like a time bomb, once something pissed me off damn bad, i knew i wouldnt be able to control my emotions or temper anymore.

I was like a 3 year old kid, not wanting to say or do anything, or to make any whatsoever decisions. And seriously, there were some incidents that may be so damn tiny that it's not even worth getting frustrated over, but i just got damn damn irritated by it. Every little thing that were done and said could piss me off so badly.

But then, i still find myself wanting to talk to him whenever i could, even if it's just holding on to the phone and not saying a word, it just felt more at ease knowing he's on the other side of the line. He may not know the way i'm feeling, but i really feel thankful that he spends time to talk to me every night before we head to bed. Even when he's tired, he hangs on to the phone until i asks him to head to bed. Whether it's afew minutes or hours of chatting, i'm really thankful.

And i thank him for the hugs he give.

Not a long tight hug, but his hugs never fail to make those nasty feeling go away for the moment, and his hugs never fail to make me smile inside. The smses that he sent and i saved, reading them at down times makes me smile, cos i felt his love and concern. The old days seemed sweet, and sometimes, i just missed those feelings and wished i could have more of those.

There were many a times i tried to blog about the bad days at work or some random thoughts, but it always end up with me erasing whatever i have typed, or saving it as drafts and not publishing it. This blog has travelled from word of mouth or links here and there, that it's known to many, and it's no longer the place where i can write whatever i want freely anymore. Even when i'm writing all my anger and unhappiness down, i'm thinking what the person would feel if he/she were to read it, and instead of allowing that to happen, i might as well just keep it to myself and just let me be the one feeling this way.

I know in the end, i still threw my temper at some people, to the people whom i know would allow me to do so. Only infront of these people can i find myself being the real me. Though they dont know what was it that was making me feel so demoralised, i know they were trying to cheer me up amist the squabbles. And i thank these people for bearing with the cranky me.

Despite the very unhappy me, i still had to entertain people who threw their temper on me, or said things in a harsh way that hurt me, pissed me. I still had to laugh like i'm alright, smile like i'm in the best of moods. Some could sensed my unhappiness despite me not showing it out, and to these people, i really appreciate your concern.

I dont know why, but when facing some people, i just cant throw my temper, i just cant show my emotions. I feel i have changed so much and sometimes, i feel i have became another person. I used to be so straight forward, voicing whatever unhappiness i had, and whether i was happy or unhappy, i showed it all out. But now, i cant find myself doing so.

I'm feel i'm getting so used to feeling this way, bottling down whatever shitty emotions in me. And even asking me to close one eye, just sleep and hope tmr will be a better day, asking me to smile even when i'm crying inside, is really no big deal.

So what's happiness? What makes a person happy?
I asked many friends, and this left the deepest impression.

快乐是你自己决定的。

But i dont even know what is best for me, what i should do so i can feel happier.
Not that i'm not happy with my life, but i just feel damn pek cek over my so called life. I feel i'm so damn useless, like a piece of shit. And the best thing is, i dont even know what's wrong.

I dont want to think so much, i dont want to give a damn, yet i cant.
I saw this written somewhere.

But i do know what i dont want in it."

I dont want unhappiness and all the shitty emos in my life.
I dont want freaking problems that are tying me down.
I dont want insensitive people.
I dont want to be taken for granted.
There are so many dont wants, but what do i want?
I freaking have no idea.


可以用钱解决的问题就不是问题。
Sounds logical doesnt it?
It sounds logical to me, yet at the same time, i find it so illogical.

Because of money, i have been working everyday.
I dont even want to take a break. I'd rather work my ass off than to be doing nothing. Or maybe, it was a form of escape for me, from reality and whatever shits.


It's another week ahead, and i really hope i can be a happier person this week.

The past few week has been dreadful, i just felt damn unappreciated.

And the additional random thoughts were of no help.

I just want to be happy lah.

I just want to feel the happiness from within, cos it feels like i havent been feeling this way for a long time already. I'm looking forward to tuesday, cos i'm going for a movie, and i hope this little thing can make the depressed me smile from within, at least for a day.

The simplest things are the things that can make one happy.

A simple smile or a simple sms can make me happy now.

And receiving smses from hotcakes with sweet content makes me happiest now.

But he has been refusing to send me sweet smses, and i have to force him to!

That night he called, and he asked,

And it made me smile the whole night, cos he called me girl, and it has been awhile since i heard him say this. And i dont know why, like i have told him, whenever he calls me girl, i just feel my heart pumping a'lil faster, and i just like him calling me girl :)

If you havent been feeling happy, every tiny little thing can make you be happy, agree?

This has been a long post.

I finally found the mood to blog, and now you know, why i have been missing for more than a week.



I want a hug from you,
To chase the clouds away,
To see the rainbow.
And i want it from you and not anyone else,
Because you're the one that can determines my happiness and unhappiness,