I haven been feeling good for the past few days.
The feeling sucks, it sucks big time.

The more I want to be fine, the more I appear strong, I guess it's the time when i'm feeling at my lowest. Cos eventually, the tears dropped.


To mr fan jian:
No matter what, i cant seem to hide from you.
Even without uttering a word, you know i dont feel good.
You ask and ask, wanting to know what's wrong, if you've done any bad to upset me.
You worry so much that your work is affected, and it just makes me feel even worst.


I'm the worst creature.
I'm a meanie.


I thank you for that, seriously.
I never had a friend this good as you.
I heart you as a friend, tons.
But i'm sorry, right now i really dont wish to talk about this matter.

As much as i want to continue the routine,
As much as i know you want the morning calls,
I cant.

I wonder if you're awake,
I wonder if you're taking ur lunch,
Or if you've ended work,
But I cant find myself wanting to pick up the phone,
To dial the number that's long printed in my heart.

I guess after the months of shit,
The shit I thought has been resolved,
We're still back at the same old spot.

Nothing's changed.
Except this time, maybe I can make another decision.


Call me selfish,
Blame me, scold me,
But I really dont wish to see you both like this.

Friendships built over 10 years arent tt easy.
I dont wish to see it ruined cos of me,
So both of you, please do something to make things up.


--
To another you:
All along I've thought it was you.
But perhaps, it was wrong.

After all that's being done,
After all that has been said,
I know you were serious,
Never once you wanted to upset me.

Yet again and again, I pushed you away.
Knowing I'd hurt you, knowing there's zero percent possibility, you never gave up, never once you were bothered about this fact. You gave in to me all the time, again and again.

But this time, I wronged you.
And I ought to apologise.

For all that happened, it wasnt totally your fault.
Mine too.
Just suddenly, what baoxing said that day struck me hard.
If I could, I'd want to shout it all out.

MINE MINE MINE.
MINE MINE MINE.
ALL MINE.



--
I have never been this upset in a while.
And this matter has been on my mind for days.

I really dont know what to say to you and you anymore.
Or maybe, I dont even know how to face you guys anymore.
I dont know what's right and wrong anymore.
Neither do I know what is best for you and you.

It seems like whatever decisions I make, it's wrong.
You said it'd be alright, but it didnt turn out so, did it?

If I could, I wished I could take all your burden and make you both feel better.
I'd rather be the one feeling this way.
It just isnt fair.

I just feel like running away,
Running away from everything that's happening.
I need a hug.
Anyone will do.



& I dont know whether to smile or laugh.
Cos eventually, you're still the only one who knows what i'm feeling.
Nonetheless, thank you.
& indeed, you bring sunshine to people around you, brightening up the dull days.

brianna
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