YOU.

Each time we are out, each time when i'm beside you, without you uttering a word, you just bring my confidence level down to zero.

I'm more mindful of my actions, words that i use, my everything with your presence. Sometimes i feel so suffocated, sometimes i can barely breathe when you are around. I realised that i can be happier without you, yet as contradicting as it sounds, i may not be as happy without you.

When we speak, your words always seem to overpower mine, it seems like whatever you say makes more sense, that it's right, and i'm just in the wrong. Be it work, friends, personal issues, our perspectives are just different. And even when i feel i'm 100% right and confident with it, with the things you say, you just have the capability of swaying my stand, once again bringing the confidence to zero.


Is it just cos it's you the person who makes me feel this way?
Or is it cos of the criticisms that you had of me?
I dont know really.

You make me feel so small, so pathetic and useless, so unwanted.
No one can ever bring me so low, so low.
No one can make me feel so unsure of myself, without a bit of confidence left.

You make me feel like you need me, that you have given me all the attention you can give, yet i can just be some trash chucked aside. I can unknowingly or knowingly become invisible and transparent to you. And all these can happen without any apparent reason, without any notice given at all. Things can change so fast that i dont even have any time to react, that i dont even know how to react.

Sometimes i really detest you.
You make me so angry that i just want to ignore you for the rest of my life. Yet when our eyes meet, or when you turn to look at me, your smile on your face just ease the anger easily. Your actions and behaviour irks me at times, your pack of lies and contradictions make me wonder why are you such a person, if i can even trust what you are saying, and i tell myself to stay away from you, it's for my own good, yet i just cant do it.

We seem to be on such good terms, we seem to be so close.
Yet sometimes i feel we are just so distant.

You have the capability of making me smile more than anyone else.
Yet you are the one who makes me feel like dirt more than anyone else.
You are the one i wanted to be with, the one who gave me the courage to love again, yet you are the one i wished i did not fall for.

Why is it you that i met, you that i fall for?
Why is it my heart beats for you and not those who are really true?
But after all that i've seen and heard and experienced myself, it's still you.

This post is just a post full of contradictions.
My life is all about contradictions i guess.
And i'm feeling alright, it's just that what has been on my mind, the things happening, i couldnt find words to describe, and now, i finally managed to pen them down.

brianna
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