A few months ago, i wondered how it'd feel like, entering the house without the usual welcome. I was afraid of changes, afraid of things leaving, so i stopped those thoughts, but i guess, somehow this day just had to come.

I woke up this morning with a very strong intuition that this thing would happen, and before i left home, i made sure all was right, but when on the way to work, my sis smsed me and informed me the very thing i dreaded.

My dog passed away this morning.

I dont know why when i heard the news, i started wondering what i've done for her over the years, why didnt i stroke her before i left home. And i even wondered when i left home today, was she still alive, or was she already gone?

I rmber hearing noises when ironing this morning, but cos i was in a rush, i just popped my head over to see she was there. And there she was lying flat, seemed like she was asleep as usual, hence i didnt bother much.

I went to the office, contemplating if i shld just work or just ask if i can take urgent leave though i felt this reason was ridiculous. But i just didnt hv the mood to work already, and just went to ask for approval, and phew, they agreed readily, and for tt, i really appreciate.

Smsed my sis throughout the journey, talking about the dog.
It hurts tt she's gone. She's gone just like that.
She was just alive ystday, and i was even playing with her.

We were just talking about putting her to sleep ystday, cos my sis and i felt she was living so miserably, but my dad strongly opposed taking away her life just like tt and putting her to sleep. And i really do wonder, was it cos of our conversation that made her lose the will to continue leaving? Or was it just so coincidental?

But my sis says it's good tt she is gone.
At least, she'll live better in other world.
She's so old, probably 16 yrs, she cant see, can barely walk.
She has stopped barking and dont know since when, there's back patches of things growing on her mouth and the sides of her eyes.

But part of me still wished she was here, at least i can see her whenever i reach home.
I still wished i cld see her lying in her tub.

She left in that exact position i last saw her.
Except that when i reached home, she has stopped breathing, her body turned cold.

I cant forget her last movements, the last time i saw her moved ystday.
It's only day 1, her usual spot still contains her stuffs, my parents do not want to move them yet. Except her tub is empty.

When the pet cremation came to collect her body today, seeing that sight really didnt feel good. They lifted her up, and she was so hard and stiff. Put her in a black bag with her cloth wrapping her up, tied it up, and there he left. The last time i saw her.

I hope they honour their words, scatter the ashes into the sea.

I thought back abt how my friends wld ask how my dog is, if she has died.
And those times, i just brushed it off with a laugh, i didnt really care.
But if i cld now, i'd perhaps hv said not to curse her.

Many a times, we only know how to appreciate when things/people go.
Many a times, we only know how pain it is when it really happens.

I just hope she left in peace, tt she'd be better than before in the other world.
And i do believe in recarnations.
If she ever does recarnate, i hope somehow fate will bring us together again.
But i hope this time, she will recarnate as a human being.

You'll always be missed.

brianna
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